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aliaspseudonymI have mentioned a few times (albeit mostly on tumblr) being an alien, but it's occurred to me that 'alien' does call to mind images of things like spaceships and laser guns and little green or grey guys with big heads, and a lot of that is misleading. When i say 'alien' i just mean 'i'm not from around here.' So here is a story. Please note that this story is not meant to reflect actual facts so much as feelings of bigness and coldness and farness and emptiness; it's true in essence even if not strictly factual, because it describes me.
imagine a big round piece of rock and ice.
imagine it hurtling through deep space, light-years from everything.
imagine clinging to it, wrapping around it like the merest wisp of smoke, watching the stars go by. cold, but the cold is part of you, & alone, but that aloneness, singularity is at the core of you.
that's me.
then there's something bright from a very great distance
a little planet around a little star but
covered in tiny flames. warm & bright & so many
so i took very careful aim and,
i jumped.
fast and far as i could, skimming through nothing at the speed of thought
it took a long time & i started to miss my cold rock a bit but, eventually
i landed.
I wrapped myself around the whole blazing blue-green planet & for an instant i could feel see hear know every twitch every hair every blade of grass --
was too much, spread too thin, i had to jump again to the big, cold, empty rock in orbit -- it was comforting, reminded me of home.
i looked down & watched the little flames walk around on little legs & do things & say things but
none of it meant anything to me, & for the first time i felt not just alone but
lonely. &
i wanted to know what it meant.
i picked a big empty place & i made one last jump
i compressed myself down, down to almost nothing, down to to the size of a single cell. _became_ a single cell.
Later, i felt cramped and crowded and wasn't sure how to relate to anyone around me. I kept to myself and soaked up information about the physical world as quickly as i could, particularly information related to space and the stars. I avoided most social interactions because they felt uncomfortable and i didn't understand what the point was. Eventually, though (starting in late high school and continuing through university), i came to realize that the people around me were by far the most interesting things to study. Hence, i'm studying literature and biology to learn about people on a physical and mental level.
i guess that's about it?
imagine a big round piece of rock and ice.
imagine it hurtling through deep space, light-years from everything.
imagine clinging to it, wrapping around it like the merest wisp of smoke, watching the stars go by. cold, but the cold is part of you, & alone, but that aloneness, singularity is at the core of you.
that's me.
then there's something bright from a very great distance
a little planet around a little star but
covered in tiny flames. warm & bright & so many
so i took very careful aim and,
i jumped.
fast and far as i could, skimming through nothing at the speed of thought
it took a long time & i started to miss my cold rock a bit but, eventually
i landed.
I wrapped myself around the whole blazing blue-green planet & for an instant i could feel see hear know every twitch every hair every blade of grass --
was too much, spread too thin, i had to jump again to the big, cold, empty rock in orbit -- it was comforting, reminded me of home.
i looked down & watched the little flames walk around on little legs & do things & say things but
none of it meant anything to me, & for the first time i felt not just alone but
lonely. &
i wanted to know what it meant.
i picked a big empty place & i made one last jump
i compressed myself down, down to almost nothing, down to to the size of a single cell. _became_ a single cell.
Later, i felt cramped and crowded and wasn't sure how to relate to anyone around me. I kept to myself and soaked up information about the physical world as quickly as i could, particularly information related to space and the stars. I avoided most social interactions because they felt uncomfortable and i didn't understand what the point was. Eventually, though (starting in late high school and continuing through university), i came to realize that the people around me were by far the most interesting things to study. Hence, i'm studying literature and biology to learn about people on a physical and mental level.
i guess that's about it?
