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Welcome to Night Vale.


Hello community radio listeners! Isn’t it a great day? I don’t know about you but I am just feeling really good today! It’s great to finally be out of that box. It was a very dark box.

Lets not worry about my personal issues just now though, there’s important news to get to! Like, for example, the sky is missing today! Apparently its thin and flimsy fabric was not securely stapled to its crude wooden framework and it just sort of, blew away in a sudden gust of wind! So, whatever else you do today, do not look up. Do not look ahead. Stare directly at the ground or, better yet, at the insides of your own eyelids. Remember, if you open your eyes, you might see something.

In sports today, the Night Vale -- wait, excuse me, listeners. I’ve just received a message -- a number of messages, actually -- from some of you asking, um, who I am? I’m not sure I understand! I’m ... Cecil Palmer, obviously! This is Cecil Palmer’s radio show! This is what Cecil Palmer’s voice sounds like! Cecil Palmer often interrupts news coverage to repeatedly affirm his identity while referring to himself in the third person by his full name! Any discrepancies in your memory or perceptions are likely a symptom of an incurable and highly contagious brain weevil infection. If you experience such symptoms, please avoid all human contact and isolate yourself in an airtight room forever, or at least until you stop having such ridiculous false memories.

Now, what was I saying? Nothing important, I’m sure. Oh, apparently, something strange happened at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley yesterday! You remember the warmongering civilization of tiny people below lane five who declared war on us all but recently sealed away beneath thick pavement thus ending their ineffectual but annoying campaign of assaulting our ankles with tiny tiny weapons, right? Well, apparently, during some renovations, a construction crew accidentally broke through into the cavern which holds that tiny civilization! The glorious rays of the sun shone on that dark place for the first time. Reports say that almost instantly there rose from the hole a beautiful sound, soft at first but growing louder. All the tiny people in that tiny city were raising their voices in joyful song! They were singing, singing glory to the sun, singing praises to the overworlders for the great gift of sunlight and for at last freeing them from the dark god Huntokar. Within a minute or so there was a unanimous call from the underground civilization for peace and for a new age of prosperity and cooperation between our peoples. At that point the song was interrupted as the construction crew paved over the new hole and began laying the foundation for a new extension of the bowling alley, which will feature black-lights and glow-in-the-dark bowling balls! We may never know what the underground civilization thinks of this, as they are once again sealed within walls of bedrock and concrete, but we can only assume that they are pleased. Everyone likes bowling, right?

Now for traffic! Traffic is really crawling today. Traffic is crawling and skittering on all major routes as drivers, unwilling to open their eyes, abandon their vehicles and try to identify roadways by the feel of asphalt on their gritty palms. Traffic is creeping and skuttling blindly along avenues and highways, bumping into one another in a great, mindless, aimless mass of bodies and limbs, smelling of dust and asphalt and sweat. Traffic is hissing and clicking and grunting and salivating, traffic is meadering off the roadways, crawling over suburban fences, trampling gardens. Traffic is feeling blindly at doorways with dozens of calloused palms, traffic is smashing ground-floor windows with asphalt-stained shoes. Traffic is panting. How long has it been since breakfast? They must be hungry. They must be very hungry. Maybe you should get them something to eat, before they -- oooooh. Oh well. At least now you don’t have to worry about the delays!

An update on the sky situation: I have been informed by some very clever people that the sky has actually NOT blown away! I have been informed that the sky CANNOT blow away, as it is not a physically solid object but merely the result of blue light being refracted by trillions of tiny air particles as it goes by overhead, creating the image of a flat blue surface above us during the day! Isn’t that fascinating? Now it’s my turn to inform you of something!

DO NOT LOOK UP. DO NOT LOOK AHEAD. STARE DIRECTLY AT THE GROUND, OR AT THE INSIDES OF YOUR OWN EYELIDS. If you open your eyes, you might SEE SOMETHING.
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